A Start

Today I was supposed to start a minimum wage job. Nothing wrong with it except that I was conflicted about it. I remember the manager saying for me to start on Tuesday at the end of our meeting. So I was surprised when they tell me that I was supposed to start yesterday. Well it doesnt matter anymore, I have to go back in 2 hours time. Its not too bad since I live very near but its not a good start, is it?

I am in debt, a lot of debt considering I have not been having a full time job and studying for the past  months. Most full time jobs that i tried for were not suitable as it was sales. Its painful to see the state that i have become. I have to fight for everything. Nothing ever comes easy to me. I just heard about the story where I fought when I was 6 years old. I think I remembered having to struggle with everything since I was a very young kid.

It just gets very tiring. Nothing I cannot handle but I am trying so hard to not feel like a failure and having other people look at me a certain way is definitely not helping. I sure can tell my real friends though. They seem to be embarrassed by me when I told them that I am doing a minimum wage job. I know of a lot of people doing it. Its not a crime and I don’t understand why I should be embarrassed to do it. I don’t have a choice.

When they see my qualifications and that I have a degree, no one wants to hire me for a temporary position because I am a risk. They are afraid I will jump as soon as I get a permanent job. So no one wants to take that risk. If I were to stay home full time again, I am sure that I will go crazy.

Its been a tough week and day. Today will be a long day.

Waiting

Today i decided to be brave. Heck, i decided to do that yesterday by leaving office at 5pm. It is as clear as day that I do not fit into the organisation. There are not even gray areas.

I have tried my best to close things in the past so as not to burn bridges but its not exactly very helpful as I realized. I also know that I sound like a broken record to everyone that I am not happy and that things are bad at work. Even I get tired of hearing it but I must express it somehow.

I have decided that I am just going to spam my blog in hopes it will let me release some of my tension and gives me the strength to carry on.

I am taking everything day by day. I hope to survive another day. I will see how everything goes tomorrow before making my final decision to talk to them or not and maybe take up a temporary position while waiting for the  successful position or finding a permanent position.

No matter what, I am going to smile. Despite of the world, I am going to smile.

Bad Decisions

I admit I’ve made some bad decisions in my life but I’m really on a streak. 

I should have known that sales is not in my blood nor my interest.  The previous company was a lot different.  It was a matter of negotiating the right price.  There was a lot of things to do, to learn and to solve.  It was a fast pace environment.

This company is a lot different.  I thought I would love the job but I truly hate it.  I have to drag myself to work everyday and knowing that I have to spend the next 16 hours calling candidate to convince them to join the job I hate. It’s painful. All I can do is take a day at a time.  I have one more month or worse,  two more months to go. Either that,  or they kick me out first.

It was interesting the first week and they was nothing else new to do.  I repeat my sales pitch again and again.  It’s one of the reasons why I left the old company. The people were different but the arguments were the same. 

I keep asking myself time and again why I hate this job. I don’t like the colleagues and boss either.  The bosses ignore me and my colleagues are uncomfortable around me because I’m of a different race and it’s difficult to go lunch with me.  We don’t click.

It’s a tough situation all around. I already knew I didn’t fit in the organization by the second week but they have a contract of at least 3 months.  If I didn’t need money,  I would have left this company already.

Now,  I grit my teeth everyday and wish I was somewhere else doing different things with other people.  It’s imagination trying to make me feel better.

I am tired and honestly I don’t care anymore.

Something New

I found this movie by accident and I loved it because it is brave and different in a way. Inter-racial relationships are hard. Even normal relationships are hard so I can imagine being in an inter-racial one.

The quote that gets to me is this

“You must think that I’m combative, neurotic, picky. Maybe I am. But the weird thing is, I’ve never had to be anyone else with you, right from the beginning.

And with you, I feel like I can do anything, say anything, try anything. That’s the life I want.

I want an adventure with you.” – Kenya McQueen

What she said is everything I dreamt of and had it once upon a time. There was someone who was of a different race who was there for me. What we had was a beautiful friendship and something a little bit beyond that.

What was special was that even though I was damaged, he was always there. Early on, I told myself I would never trust or let anyone in again but I couldnt help myself.

He knew everything about me, my flaws, been there when i fell apart, been there to share my joys, seen my worst fears, seen my many tears that no one else had the privilege to see.

Most importantly, he made me happy. Every word of the quote rings true except that I was sure that we were never going to work out. None of us had the courage to fight to stay together unlike Kenya and Brian.

So I left.

It Doesn’t Matter

It doesn’t matter.

There Is No Love

I really like this powerful song because it describes love perfectly.

There is really no love as described by the song and lyrics.

English Lyrics:

When you start,
You will believe that this will be your last, and that is love

Even if it’s wasteful, you can’t help wasting it
Ladies that give everything, Listen carefully

Making you wait is a man, the one waiting is a woman
There’s only one person that always worries

There is no love, it’s nowhere
the words “I love you”, don’t believe in it
how many more times do you have to get tricked, how many more times do you have to get hurt
how many more times do you have to be in pain to stop
everyone is crazed love is a lie

ho, no more drama

when you’re breaking up,
“this time I really can’t do it” is love

forgetting it, trying to forget it
Ladies that are showing a bitter smile, listen carefully

the one making you want to cry is a man, the one that cries again (why) is a woman
There’s always only one person that is troubled

There is no love, it’s nowhere
the words “I love you”, don’t believe in it
how many more times do you have to get tricked, how many more times do you have to get hurt
how many more times do you have to be in pain to stop
everyone is crazed love is a lie

I never desired for your heart, I just wanted something new
Dropped thousands of teardrops

There is no love, it’s nowhere
the words “I love you” (the words “I love you”), don’t believe in it
how many more times do you have to get tricked, how many more times do you have to get hurt
how many more times do you have to be in pain to stop
everyone is crazed love is a lie

In my head love is a lie
In my heart love is all dying.

Credits to video uploader and http://yubseyo.wordpress.com/2010/04/22/gummy-there-is-no-love/.

Thank you.

Who I am

I was reading at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf today. A good book called The Lion by Nelson Demille. It is one of my indulgences when I need some fresh air after being stuck in my room watching videos or in the library reading to pass the time.

I thought to myself that at 30, I am a contradiction, a paradox. I smile, laugh, have fun at parties when i do attend them but I am also withdrawn and prefer to be alone.

I would rather spend my time reading a book or watching videos in my chair in my room and not moving from the spot for hours without talking to another soul for days at a time. I just don’t feel like talking to anyone at all.

Family exists even though it doesn’t feel like it, I feel more comfortable alone, too many skeletons in my closets, too many emotional scars.

Add pistanthrophobia and philophobia to the mix and that pretty much sums me up as a person.

This is who I am. The weird thing is, I wouldn’t have it any other way.